Dark December Days….

Literally and figuratively. I think even people that don’t deal with mental health issues can find November and December difficult. The days get shorter and shorter and the weather is overcast and damp. On top of that the holidays can be difficult for some and it’s often a very busy time at work. Lack of sunshine and fresh air combined with excessive stress, the perfect storm for some. I seemingly am no exception.

I thought I had it all under control, until Thursday morning when I found myself in a full on dizzy, fuzzy, hot, out of body experience, panic attack at 6 am. I can usually recognize when I’m being irrational and get it under control. Control was not an option Thursday morning. I will spare you the details of what brought me to this “peak”. But according to the internet my symptoms were certainly terminal and we all know that the World Wide Web states only the facts!

I plugged through getting ready for work trying to rationalize my irrationalness, without much luck. I was so happy when Mr. O got out of bed. I find if I can say my worries out loud to someone, it helps me come down a bit. I told Mr. O the reason I was probably going to die. After years of experience, he wrapped his arms around me and said nothing. He knows not to say ” just don’t worry about it”. It was in these moments that I began to realize Dark December Days were getting the best of me.

Work has been busy and stressful and I’m trying to prove myself in a new position. I feel as though it’s been an extra dark cold December. I was rear ended in a snow storm earlier in the week. On top of all of these things, my father passed away 17 years ago today. Some years this day comes and goes with fond memories of him. Other years it feels as thought we lost him yesterday. This is one of those years. He was the most incredible guy. Forced into being a stay at home dad because of his health problems but damn he was good at it. Remind me to tell you about butterflies some day.

As many of you can appreciate, medication is not always enough to muffle the crazy. It funny, before medication the panic was part of me and I knew how to ride the wave. Now with the medication, it’s almost like I’ve lost my edge over it. It sneaks up on me and I don’t know what to do with it. But sometimes I miss the crazy. Sometimes I think I was more exciting, creative, interesting. Sometimes I miss the quirkier me. Mr. O does not agree! My crazy was/is hard on a marriage.

Anyways back to sometimes needing more than medication….. yesterday I decided I would need to put a little extra TLC into me, if I was going to get through the season. I tend to do things full tilt for about a week, ok maybe a few days, before getting bored and moving onto something else. Im hoping if I put it in writing and share it with the world, maybe I’ll stick to it a bit longer. So without further ado, he is my plan;

Yoga and meditation everyday. I like “yoga with Adrienne” on YouTube. I’m going to try her 31 day program. The “insight timer” app for meditation. Bother are free!

Less booze. I’d like to say none, but who are we kidding!

More fruits and vegetables. This should be easy since I’m currently not having much more than my beloved carbs.

More fresh air. This one may be the hardest. It’s -23C today 😬

All of the above will inevitably result in better sleeping.

I feel like all this may deserve a before and after pic. But of what!?

1 day down, 30 to go.

Wish me luck! I’ll keep you posted.

Update- 1st week
It’s 6am and I should be getting ready for work. I’m exhausted, physically, mentally, emotionally and any other maybe I can’t think of right now. I want to cry. For no particular reason but I know many of you can appreciate that. It’s been a busy, draining week at work. My mind, body and soul knows Im getting some time off. They don’t want to wait a few more sleeps. They are starting to unravel on me. Deep breath…..keep it together.

Today is day 6. I’ve done well. Oddly enough the fresh air has been the easy part and the fruits and veggies have been the toughest. I suppose the cold weather has me aching for comforting carbs. Oh well, I can live with that. I’ll keep trying. Haven’t had any wine since Sunday! The longer I go without, the less I’m interested. Don’t be mistaken, tomorrow is Friday and I will certainly indulge. The rule was LESS booze not none!

Yoga, meditation, less booze, more fresh air, fruits and veggies. I still need more sunshine. More vitamin D. Let’s add sunshine to the list. ☀️. But how? I go to work in the dark and come home in the dark. Ugggh….seems like to much to think about.

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